What to call your vagina.

Let’s just acknowledge that today is global female condom day! Usually, the idea that females can use condoms too is ignored. Quite frankly, I think girl condoms are scary. Let’s discuss our options. (This is the part of the presentation where that creepy sex ed teacher smiles at you, and you get really confused. Was he just smiling at me? Why is he smiling at me? Que. the red cheeks.)

First, we have our contraceptive sponge. Notice my comments are in bold.

This barrier method is a soft, disk-shaped device with a loop for taking it out. So it’s like a tampon, no? It is made out of polyurethane (pah-lee-YUR-uh-thayn) foam and contains the spermicide (SPUR-muh-syd) nonoxynol-9. Spermicide kills sperm. If you need to provide the proper annunciation for something I am sticking in my vajayjay, then I probably shouldn’t use it. Also, I am glad this contraceptive is going to kill sperm. That’s it’s damn job.

Before having sex, you wet the sponge and place it, loop side down, inside your vagina to cover the cervix. Am I being cleaned?! The sponge is effective for more than one act of intercourse for up to 24 hours. It needs to be left in for at least 6 hours after having sex to prevent pregnancy. It must then be taken out within 30 hours after it is inserted.

Only one kind of contraceptive sponge is sold in the United States. It is called the Today Sponge. The “Today Sponge”??? The Today Sponge that I can use more than once in my ‘today.’ Oh, and there’s only one. Pfft, great.  Women who are sensitive to the spermicide nonoxynol-9 should not use the sponge. Women who are sensitive to a penis shouldn’t use a sponge to prevent pregnancy.

Next, we have a diaphragm, cervical cap, and cervical shield.

These barrier methods block the sperm from entering the cervix (the opening to your womb) and reaching the egg.

  • The diaphragm is a shallow latex cup. I’m gonna shove a cup up my vajayjay now?! You’ve got to be shitting me.
  • The cervical cap is a thimble-shaped latex cup. It often is called by its brand name, FemCap.
  • The cervical shield is a silicone cup that has a one-way valve that creates suction and helps it fit against the cervix. It often is called by its brand name, Lea’s Shield. I wanna meet this Lea chick.

The diaphragm and cervical cap come in different sizes, and you need a doctor to “fit” you for one. The cervical shield comes in one size, and you will not need a fitting. So not only do we get fitted for dresses, pants, shoes, and retainers- we get to be fitted for a cervical cap too! “Mum, I’m going to get fit for my cervical cap today! Jeez, am I excited.”

Before having sex, add spermicide (to block or kill sperm) to the devices. Then place them inside your vagina to cover your cervix. You can buy spermicide gel or foam at a drug store. Foam? Am I the only girl confused by the logistics of foam in my cupcake?

( info from: http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/birth-control-methods.cfm)

Image

This leads me to the part of our discussion on WHAT TO CALL YOUR VAGINA.

This can be a very arduous task.

You don’t want to use a name that’s too professional, but it can’t be too childish, either. It should be somewhat sexy, but also slightly serious. And everyone can have their own preference for their name. It’s YOUR name for YOUR vagina! Today, I’ve spent about 87% of my time deciding on the name for my own. If you are curious as to what it is, direct yourself to the giant picture above.

Here is a short list of ideas to serve as a sort of jumping off point:

  • vajayjay
  • vag
  • twat
  • slit
  • snatch
  • cooch
  • coochie
  • cooter
  • cooze
  • coozie
  • gash
  • hole
  • muff
  • flange
  • minge
  • box
  • quim
  • poon
  • poontang
  • fud (Scottish term)
  • bits
  • peach
  • flower
  • kitty
  • tutu
  • cookie
  • muffin
  • cupcake***

I recognize that I should have spent a majority of my time during puberty figuring this out, but even as a 19 year old I am just beginning to get hips and figuring this whole woman thing out.

I hope you and your cupcake have a fabulous day.

Precious Jones

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