This word is either condemned as a naughty act of sin, or a magical unification of two souls expressing their love for one another through a little push and pull.
I was told growing up that my first time participating in this activity was supposed to only be with my husband, someone I loved and who loved me back. It was supposed to be special and miraculous! Filled with candles, rose petals and skimpy lingerie- oh my! Sex was high up on a pedestal in my mind. Fireworks and sparkles included. Whoever the lucky man was going to be, we would be bonded forever over this grand event in our lives.
Ah, the fantasy.
Well my actual first time was anything but. And you know what?
I could care less.
Little did I know that the party I was attending had much more in store for me than just booze and dancing. A few drinks in and I was asked to dance by a lovely young man named, let’s call him Owen. Owen wasn’t normally “my type”, but the boy was so darn sweet I just couldn’t resist.
As the evening progressed and more alcohol was consumed, Owen proceeded to ask my permission to kiss me. “He asked?” you might say? Yes he did! Owen was all about getting consent for every touch and physical gesture. Gold star for Owen! Consent for kisses soon turned into, “So I would really like to bring you back to my place. Is that something you would want to do? You don’t have to, but I really like you.”
At first, these words sent a panic signal to my brain. “Sex=Bad! No No NO!” I paused and thought for a moment, is it really bad? Am I ready?
Yes. Yes I was. Now I don’t quite know how to fully explain my thought process on determining whether I was ready for this or not, but something just clicked.
“Yah I’d love to!” And off we went to fulfill the magical fantasy of “The First Time”.
He continued to ask me if I was sure, if I really wanted to do this, etc. the entire way to his place, and even up to the point where we were locking ourselves away in his room. Ugh. So many gold stars for Owen.
**THIS IS WHAT A GENTLEMAN LOOKS LIKE**
For those of you who have not had this experience yet, let me give you a few pointers that I wish someone would have shared with me:
- There are strange noises. There is sucking, slurping, FAP FAP FAP’ing, awkward heavy breathing, and a whole new compilation of sounds that can only come from genitalia. Don’t be embarrassed by these noises! It is perfectly natural, and I promise your partner will not give two fucks about it.
- Your first time is not as magical as people make it out to be. Quite frankly it’s kind of a mess and it may not be entirely sensational. THIS IS O. K. This is a whole new exploration of your body. It is a learning experience. Not a movie moment. Limbs will wander, but you will find your way.
- It might hurt. Partially if your hymen is still in tact, and partially if you aren’t wet enough down there. Lube is recommended. Especially if you’ve been drinking, because OW OW OW HELLO SANDPAPER! But this feeling passes (If it continues be sure to tell your partner to stop and either correct the problem or visit your Gyno.)
Two condoms and a good night’s sleep later, the deed was done. I awoke the next morning, feeling just fine, but wary of the potentially very awkward morning conversation. After all, a drunken one-night stand for your first time is bound to create an uncomfortable period of, “Oh so this is what you really look like. Fuck, we did it? Um, when can you leave? What’s your name again?”
But guess what? None of these things happened. We eased right into jokes about his friends and Netflix. No awkwardness. Just laughter.
He drove me home (ANOTHER STAR!), asked for my number and we went our separate ways. I waited for the feelings of shame and guilt to sink in…nothing.
What I found instead was a newfound confidence that I had never had before.
I felt fucking AWESOME!!! I was so high on confidence that even Beyoncé herself had nothing on me. Instead of feeling ashamed, or worried that someone would make me feel ashamed for my unorthodox first time, I felt powerful. No one could belittle me, and if they tried I didn’t care. The whole awkward, messy and also FUN experience had left me feeling unbelievably empowered.
I had lost my virginity via a one-night stand with, in my book, a quality guy. So what about those feelings of attachment for my lover? None. He seemed to show more signs of these emotions than I did. I was ready to move on with my life and conquer the world, almost irritated at the fact that he (being the superstar that he is) texted me immediately afterwards… repeatedly. But more stars for Owen for just being a sweet pea, right?
So what did I learn?
Society has created a list of rules when it comes to sex, and also on how I as a woman should feel before, during and after. Well I broke those rules, and ladies and gentlemen- society can kiss my beautiful, independent, confident ass.
**A NOTE TO ALL READERS: Please remember that everyone reacts and processes these intimate moments in different ways! Your experience may be very different from mine, and that is A-OK! I am in no way making the assumption that every human being on the planet will be/should be just like me. I am merely making an observation of my experience vs. the world’s expectations of what mine, and your experience should be.**