Why Valentine’s Day makes me feel like shit.

As I sit here sipping coffee at 9PM at night whilst on duty during the most gushy holiday of the year, I have realized a lot about myself:


I like to cuddle.


Chocolate should be ingested every damn day of the year.


Sappy love movies just make me want to break shit.


If you’re smart, you will date a large amount of men starting in January, and then break up with them on February 16th (one buffer day so it’s not so obvious what you’re up to).


Red is my LEAST favorite color.


Why the hell do we want roses anyways?


I am not immune to societies cultural norms.



Most importantly…we should spread LOVE 365 days a year. The world would be a much happier place.



Let us bask in some really awful Valentine’s Day ads targeted at, of course, the female population or the objectification thereof.



Tampax. (Cause having sex with a tampon in is a great idea.)



Straps, The Lingerie Store. (Boobs… surprise surprise.)



“Nakshatra Diamonds: She would love expensive lingerie. (Or maybe she doesn’t?)



Wonderbra. (Boobs, again… right.)



Nutrient Water. (I’m sorry, but who the hell can bend like that?! AND, why doesn’t he return her favor of a blow job with the equivalent??)



Natan Jewelry. (This is just asinine.)


May your Valentine’s Day be full of crappy ads and lots of red.